This is Baby Love....if you read my blog you know who he is. We crave him. Recently we spent about 6 days with him in Texas....bliss was every morning I couldn't wait to see his smiling little face as I went to get him from his crib. To hear his giggles and his pulling his feet to his face as I tried to change him. His little pincer grasp eating from his high chair tray. His running and playing with toys that play music with bells and whistles and singing "old macdonald" to him or "B-I-N-G-O and Bingo was his name-O". Or trying to teach him words. Taking him out and strolling along as people fawned over this gorgeous boy who waves and smiles at everyone he passes by. It was a glorious week of kisses and hugs and tickles and games and singing and dancing and all the precious moments we could marinate in for that 6 days we were in his presence.
If truth be told there were nights I would find myself weepy after we put him down for the night...weepy because after ALL these years I still grieve for the fact that, I myself, couldn't have a child. That we didn't get to have this daily in our lives and watch a child or children of our own grow up...and even someday with their own children. You think you get beyond this type of thing in time but it never really goes away and there are no kids coming home for the holidays or calling you for advice or even arguing with you.....or coming home to do laundry or calling on your birthday. We have managed all these years to be happy....that's not it.....it's just that with all the nieces and nephews and now the NEXT generation of them....they were never really ours. Oh we love them but you know what I mean. Of course there are no guarantees in this life, who knows what our own kids would have been like. I like to think they would have been good people. I must add there were times people would say "oh you can have mine" jokingly because parenting is a hard job and sometimes I know there are trials that come with it...I have never been naive to that...but at the end of the day those same people had to know how lucky they were to have their children.....born to them or adopted.
You see when I was a little girl and people would say "Lisa, what do you want to be when you grow up?" My answer was "a Mommy". When it wasn't to be I felt robbed, cheated and wondered for a long time "did I do something in a past life to warrant this?" It was a bitter pill to swallow for a very long time. We did 5 invitro attempts....pumped with shots of hormones constantly it changed me physically and mentally and after the 5th try and no result I was exhausted, sad, frustrated, disappointed and done. Adoption back then was a LOOOOONG wait and not at all promising....open adoptions were just beginning...we didn't really know about overseas adoption. So much has changed since then that perhaps the results would have differed if we were going through this now.
When we found out my having a child wasn't possible I told BohoHandyman he could leave me....go find someone to have that family with he wanted as well. BUT he wasn't THAT guy....he looked at me and said "you ARE my family" and never went anywhere. For that I am eternally grateful.
If you have had my experience be it years ago or now.....you do go on with your life and you make memories and if you have family or friends with kids who are willing to share...well it does fill a wee bit of the hole in your heart. Just know you aren't alone. I KNOW how hard it is to have family/friends who have children at the drop of a hat.....or you read about some teen who gets pregnant and then abandons it in a dumpster and you want to SCREAM "where is the justice?" Or you host or attend many baby showers and although you want to weep you put a smile ahead of the tears. Or see families on vacation. Or hear a child and see them reach out and say "Mommy!"and smile when they are picked up by their Mommy. Or asleep in their parents arm. I KNOW what you're feeling and after 30 years it still comes back to hit me now and then...I have to just let myself feel it, feel the tears and then go forward. I can't change what is but I can mourn it's never was.
I look at photos of Baby Love and feel ever so grateful his parents are happy we love him so much and were completely comfortable and at peace going on a trip abroad while we took care of him for those days. That spoke volumns of what they think of US.....And I think back with gratitude on the years my sisters-in-law and friends would let us spend time with their kids whenever we wanted. That means everything.
Isn't if funny (not haha, but odd) how blogging can bring out our thoughts this way?
Thank you for "listening".
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