The sky overhead has no color variation only a muted shade of blue. Although there are no visible clouds somehow you sense they are there just waiting to show themselves, billowy and white and full of images to the discerning eye. The leaves on the trees are more vivid against the blue, a contrast of wills in a battle for color.
The breeze blows only enough to suggest a breeze but not enough to set the wind chimes to singing their chorus. The window is open for the coolness that touchs lightly against any exposed skin. The music of Ali Farka Toure & Toumani Diabete , African musicians whose sound can transport you to a Zen state of mind with guitar strings, is in the background.
She looks around her studio in need of some creativity and wonders “who am I exactly?” and “why am I afraid of failure without even trying to succeed?” She wonders at her age “ is it too late to realize your true self?” Worse yet, why didn’t she realize it years ago?
There always seemed to be obstacles……things and people who took her attention away from herself, leaving herself off the list entirely. Pleaser extraordinaire. She questions everything about herself now………..her art, her writing, her self image, her inability to deflect negativity from others that she lets seep in more easily than the positive. Approval was something she longed for all her life…….so now when she does get it she can’t believe it, can’t absorb it and just say thank you.
Her Shoppe remains empty because she constantly scrutinizes everything she creates. Her blog is neglected because she doesn’t feel interesting. She LOVES to write but the words are stuck in her throat. It’s all insane and debilitating and crazy because deep inside she KNOWS she’s a good person with a big heart who has at least a modicum of talent in various areas, reasonable intelligence and a ready laugh. Does exposing her vulnerabilities like this make her appear weak? Is she doing more harm than good by admitting these things to the Universe? To the world?
OR by putting it out there does it ultimately help to release it? Does it help anyone else who feels this way to know they are not alone….that in their 50’s they, too, are waiting for their AHA moment?
How it is that someone who has always been a consummate people pleaser can’t afford herself the same courtesy is a mystery. Always wanting everyone else to be happy but she comes in last. She cheerleads and worries and applauds others but to herself she turns a furrowed brow.
These are lessons that should have been learned a loooooong time ago.........
So she can’t help but wonder………..is it too late to unleash the shackles of self doubt and wear a coat of self confidence – and a frock of “who the hell cares what other people think?”
She is lucky in love though......
P.S. See what I mean................I am hesitating to hit publish for fear people are going to judge me for allowing myself to be so exposed. People like to read bright, shiny, sparkly blog posts with lots of photos and fun things to share....not some existential crisis BS.
Ah the hell with it...............here goes...........hold my hand, ok?