For a while now I have debated whether or not to talk about this openly on my blog……. It is why my posts are so infrequent and why the substance of the ones I do post are not all that interesting or captivating both in word and image. The very idea of talking about it felt it would immediately slap a label on me…a label that I am not willing to wear. I truly hope you will read this entire post.
The hesitancy to talk about this also comes from the fact that people who may read my blog (and to be honest doesn’t seem like many do these days so not sure who will read this) will want to run for the nearest exit……simply because I am not here amusing you with tales of living in an amazing whirl of activity and amazement….artistic splendor or fascinating journeys or wonderful happenings. Oh I’d like to be, believe me…in fact I’d like nothing more than to be rolling around in pure joy until my fingers and toes are pruney. But I’m not. Not right now.
What I am about to tell you isn’t something you choose for yourself. This isn’t something you tell yourself upon rising one morning “I think I want to feel hazy and lackluster and unable to find joy in anything for awhile”. I mean who wants that? To not address it is like that constant feeling of not acknowledging there is an elephant in the room. To pretend and try to falsely dance around it becomes tedious and difficult at best.
So here it is….. I am dealing with depression. There I said it. It started out more anxiety but the truth is the anxiety was triggered from the depression and it just got so tangled up it wrapped itself around my ankles and tripped me. I thought I could just wait it out, roll with the proverbial punches, but it got too difficult to try and assuage it on my own. It makes me isolate myself from activities and things that I usually so enjoy. I battle against it, trust me. I am NOT this person. I am NOT this person. I am NOT this person. YET for now no matter how many times I say it I am that person (for now) and I am seeking help to get back to the real me. The REAL me…..the me who laughs a lot, who is very social, who is an artist, who reads books and hopes to write one herself. And so much more. That whimsical bohemian. I worried "am I mentally ill?" The truth is....No, I am not......I think deep down I knew I wasn't....but it can be scary at first when you feel so in the doldrums and you don't want to be or why. Do you know what I mean?
It isn’t one of those things you can just say “snap out of it” to eradicate its existence. I only wish it were that easy. The hardest part is the battle I have over this because I constantly want to reproach myself with little ditties like “you’re being ridiculous” or “grow up” or “what the hell is the matter with you?” or “don’t you know there are people with bigger problems?”. You know….things that do NOT help at all and are untrue. I did NOT choose this but I DO choose to do whatever it takes to make it go away.
I have a therapist now. She’s amazing. When she first suggested I try some group classes I resisted…..after all the word G R O U P made me instantly think of people sitting in hard folding chairs in a circle, each one wringing a handkerchief, sobbing and shaking while the person running it says "so how did that make you feel?" . Well I am here to tell you that is just in the movies folks because that’s not at all what it’s like. THANK GOODNESS! It’s learning about triggers and responses and deep belly breathing…..it’s about retraining our brains….it’s about staying present. It’s a lot of things. The therapist in one of the groups said crying is actually a good thing.....it's a release.....good to know because honestly....I do that a lot.
For now I am willing to do the work and if I need medication for a little while I am open to that too. There are a lot of factors that go in to this in terms of what has taken me down this path, some things I have to learn to look at differently. Some things I have to let go of. Some things that I need to work on. Money woes (like everyone else) and learning to live in the present. In the process I need to be kinder to myself…..I need to talk to myself as I would a dear friend, something I don’t afford myself much of. Oh I am a great listener to others, I can even impart words of advice or wisdom that has helped others BUT do I turn it inward, um….no.
We have to ask ourselves (because I absolutely know I am not alone in this) “why do think we are not worthy of that same love, care, kindness and patience we offer others?”
I am an intelligent and creative woman who is going through something that has nothing to do with a lack of either of those things. Statistically MANY MANY people are going through depression come to find out, regardless of profession, income, geography etc. Especially in light of our societal pressures, the economy and how hard we can be on ourselves. We don’t know these people are going through it because to openly admit you are suffering with depression is a stigma people don’t want to face. It’s a taboo subject because it feels like by admitting it you are opening yourself up to judgment and ridicule. That people will treat you differently, look at you differently, and think you are weak. Or no longer take you seriously. Or want to say things like “just think positive” or “look on the bright side” or “just tell yourself everything’s fine”. Oh if it were only that simple, I’d be smacking my forehead saying “why didn’t I think of that?”
Don’t be afraid to admit this if you, yourself, are dealing with depression and/or anxiety. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Don’t be afraid to do the work and know, although it may not be instant, there IS hope. AND you are not alone in this.
If you have read this entire post I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it. I hope you will leave a comment to let me know. It means a great deal to me that someone, anyone, who reads my blog may get something from my honesty. If it isn’t you it may be someone else you know……so be kind, be understanding and above all be patient with them or yourself. Know you are worthy of feeling joy again…..know you are worthy of feeling fully present in your life again….know that it takes time but it will be time well spent. Get the help....I find it a source of strength to have asked for it. It cannot be done alone...even with a great spouse and great friends around you.
I embrace you all with love……and hope of that sooner, rather than later, I WILL be that whimsical bohemian again. Then look out!
P.S. As if this post isn’t long enough, the saving grace for me right now is doing art, any art, in my art journal. Whatever it is…good, bad or whatever….helps me be calmer and breathe in and out….I do it a lot because it’s about the only thing I have focus for right now. Truly.....Art can be medicine for the soul and the psyche.
AND last but certainly not least, thankfully my husband is loving and kind and patient and stands by me in all this. To have your partner not want to bail because their spouse is sad all the time is everything.
Love,
Lisa
